HOW TO IMPRESS A BIRD
'Winging it' or on the cheap

'THE TEO OF HARRY'

Hi I'm Nadine, Harry's ex-girlfriend from two years back.
I am also a features writer for a Sunday supplement. Some women use a book called 'The Rules' when searching for a possible partner, problem was that men like Harry read 'The Rules' and then produce their own men 'Rules'. I found out from speaking to other ex-girlfriends (He does have a habit of being on speaking terms with them) hence it was easy to research this that the places he took me, were the same places he took them. Speaking with other men, it seems that lots of men have male 'Rules' and think much along the same lines as Harry.

He actually freely admits to following these rules and at the end of the day, I find it quite funny. It never actually hurt anyone and I suppose it did give topics for me to chat with Harry's other ex female friends with, when I met a few of them. We had all seen the same musical and been to the same restaurants, so had lots in common. He has some wonderful concepts for men to follow when dating. Thing is, these rules of Harry's are what he actually genuinely follows.

He knows that some of his dating actions are regarded as priceless, so I have convinced him to write down everything which I plan to use it as a model for article and in Harry's own words, this is how he thinks when playing the dating game. If you are reading this and realise that you have actually been with Harry to one of the places listed below,

Seen 'Les Miserables'
Been taken to 'The Blues Bar'
Been to 'Tarrazza Est'
Been to 'The Church' at Bagleys
Been to 'Wong Kei's'
Been to Cambridge
Had a burger at Ed's in North London
Had a burger on Blackheath
Seen 'Reduced Shakespeare company' at the theatre
Been to 'Victoria and Albert' Museum
Been on a pleasure boat at night on the Thames
Been to a Mongolian BBQ
Been to the Hall's of Justice' in Nottingham
Been given free tickets for a 'Jongleurs' comedy show
Flown around the Isle of Wight in his little plane
Ate at a 'Wetherspoons'
Had Salmon and new potatoes when invited to dine with him at home
Been to Brugge

Then you have been part of.....the 'Teo of Harry' So to understand the theory, here are the thoughts:-

NIGHT AT THE THEATRE

Take her to see Les Miserables at the Palace Theatre in London. Impress her by booking a box. Tip is to book box X, which is a two person box at only £15 per person and you're near the front so everyone can see you. Other boxes are £40 plus per person so sod that! You must make sure she sits on the right hand seat as there is a slightly less restricted view. As it is the only box on the ground floor, she will think it is the best. Hopefully she has never been in a box before so will accept that not being able to see much is the norm in boxes and will accept this as a slight drawback.

Les Mis is good as it's a weepy. Don't worry if you don't understand the plot. Just at the end mention the two candlesticks which Valjean stole and still had at the end. Question her on how then he made lots of money, not from as we first thought from selling the candlesticks. Again she won't have noticed this, so you can wing it a bit. Make it look as though you know what is going on with the plot.

By the way the prisoner in the first scene, is the Mayor in scene 4. Just accept that some scenes add about 10 years to the plot.

So far done this 17 times - so I knows what I is talking about.

OUT FOR A POSH MEAL
at only £15.95 a head

Tarrezza Est - on Fleet Street. Looks the dogs b*llo£ks, well posh. Food is Italian and includes things like veal which only classy places do. Dead romantic as they have professional opera singers coming around the tables.

Tip don't let her see the menu, say its in Italian or something or she will suss a three course meal is only £15.95. Ask her what she wants before you sit down. Choice is house pasta or melon to start, then Veal, Chicken or Salmon or veggie option and something from sweet tray.

However If you are on a blind date, instead arrange to meet somewhere like a 'Wetherspoons' pub. Good thing is that after a few drinks, if she wants to eat, you can suggest something from the extensive menu there. Two main courses are £5.95. Tip, if you think she hasn't eaten, suggest getting a quick bite and hand her the menu. She will then eat there and not mention food and restaurants for the rest of the night.

If at the end of the night she is still hungry and you have run out of excuses not to buy her a meal. You have one more trick up your sleeve which on first reading doesn't sound like it will impress her but believe me it will.......

THE BURGER VAN ON BLACKHEATH COMMON A speciality is the 'Animal' Burger - two burgers, egg, pineapple, bacon, hot dog, cheese, mushrooms, and onions. £2.95. She will often settle for a plain burger at £1.00. Now here is why this place works. Its on the top of a hill and you can see the lights of London as you sit in the car. She will be impressed with the view and feel honoured that you have allowed her into your domain, the lads secret place - the late night burger van.

Good thing is that you can spend ages talking in the car and you never know.....talking can lead on to a snog, and by now if she ain't impressed with you, she never will be.

YOUR PAD

No two ways about it, you gotta spend money on this one. You wanna make her feel you are the perfect bloke - girlies like tidy places by the way. Here is an example, this is my bedroom, notice how tidy and ordered it is. Again with some clever wiring I have been able to incorporate a small water feature which comes on along with soft music as a more relaxed morning alarm call. Not so good, if the person you are with is prone to bedwetting, but so far I have been lucky with the partners I have chosen.

The only other drawback of keeping a bedroom as neat as this, is that by sleeping in it on the nights you are alone can mess it up, so make sure you have a comfortable sofa to sleep on in your lounge.

Lighting is important, save your pennies up and splash out and get the latest room light, the dry ice lighting system which I have had installed in my lounge and connected to my CD system so that one click and 'The Look of Love' starts to play as scented dry ice wallows across the floor as soft lighting fills the room.

Seating is a factor often overlooked. Try and just have the one big soft sofa and no other comfortable chairs, this means from the start, you are positioned correctly, as you have no choice but to sit next to each other.

Music is important, she will look at your collection so get some classical CD's (you can get complete works for £4.99 in a box set) Again don't worry about playing them, its the image of looking cultured that counts.

If you want to take it to the next level, buy something like 'Classic Commercials' on the Decca label. At least you would have heard of some of these like the theme to the 'British Airways' advert (Dome epais le Jasmin) or the 'Old Spice' one (Carmina Burana by Orff).

If you see her looking at your collection, and she mentions the classical music, simply put a certain track on the CD system (it's on the Classic Commercials CD) and tell her that Mahler symphony No 7, second movement is one of your favourite pieces of music. Then add with disdain 'Its a pity everyone just knows it from the 'Castrol GTX' advert'. She will then of course laugh nervously, in mock horror, herself not wanting to come across as not being cultured and hopefully she will leave it at that.

Sometimes she has learnt to play the flute or violin at school so may come back with 'Have you any 'Debussy?'. Don't flinch, simply announce 'yes, you have' and go to any of the CD cases from your classical box set. Pick one up without even browsing along them first and say something like 'I played this one this morning and noted there was some of Debussy's work on here.' You then have time to browse the back cover of the CD and find an alternative and at the same saying, 'No, you know what it was on 'Radio 4' this morning, I have got it on vinyl, would you like me to go into the loft/celler/understairs cupboard etc. and find it for you, or of course we can always listen to 'Puccini' (the CD you are holding). She will never expect you to go and find a old vinyl record so will again accept the alternative. Also it gives you the chance to get in the words 'Radio 4'.

On no account should you ever put on the Dire in more words then one 'Money for Nothing' CD. Its what everyone played while eating at dinner parties in the 1980's. Instead for background music use some of those chill out CD's. While your buying 'The Chill Out Album', pick up a Robbie Williams CD while your at it, again this is just for show.

For the night, loose things like Heavy Metal, Hard gangsta rap and 'Steps'. Although the liking of 'Steps' can make her feel more secure and relax her, she may even think slightly gay and may want to try and convert you. There are pro's and con's with having the 'Steps' album, so you decide what option to take.

Now when she has finished with the CD collection, next thing she will want to look at is your video and DVD collection.

You must get hold of the following 'Moulin Rouge', 'Thelma and Louise', 'Kramer v's Kramer', 'Bridget Jones' and hunt it down 'Cinema Pasidiso' it's Italian b&w and she'll have heard of it. Don't ask me the plots of these, just having them in my collection is all I actually need to do to create the image. Chances are she'll wanna watch one of them, so you can suss the plot then.

REMEMBER THE KITCHEN IS YOUR HOME

You gotta make her think you can cook. I can't cook but invested £7000 in one of those swanky designer kitchens which looks the part and she will be impressed. Try and have some cook books laying around the lounge and buy a expressio machine. Look like you know what your doing.

The secret is to have a number of ingredients laid out, Aubergines and cous cous are two fine examples as they look complicated.

Whatever you do, never ever invite her for dinner and make Speg bowl, all bloke that can't cook make speg bowl, she will suss you straight away. Instead try this....

Starters
Range of Oriental dips (tell her you often shop in the big Chinese Cash and Carry) That's all you need to do to convince her Oriental cooking you do with ease. The dips by the way are from ASDA, £2.99 put them in the microwave for 1 minute.

Main Course
Salmon.... now this takes a bit of prep but don't worry it's easier then you think. Take the Salmon fillet out of the packaging and wrap in tin foil. Put in the oven and bake for 20 mins. that's it. Add a selection of baked vegetables again Mr ASDA do a pre packed selection you just heat in the oven which comes with Fetta cheese which looks good. Also the pack contains aubergines already done so continuity is kept.

Pudding
Anything, doesn't matter. No need to impress her any further, you have done all you need. However if you are going to give it large and further impress her make a white and milk chocolate banana pudding. Simply get a banana, peel it, cut it, put in a plastic bowl with lumps of white and dark chocolate, Microwave for 2 minutes until a very thick sauce and pour over two scoops of ice cream. Hopefully the words white and milk chocolate will make her refuse the pudding as she is watching her figure, or if she goes for it, it quick and easy. On average I find 9/10 times they refuse pudding, so it saves a job.

Tip - go to the bakery in Asda and buy a uncut fresh loaf...half way through your starters suddenly go 'Oh what's that smell... .its my bread I forgot it's still in the oven and produce a warm fresh loaf making sure you sprinkle a little flour on it to make it look home made. Bung it in the oven about 5 mins before you use this ploy. Bread making is art form, she will think so highly of you with this one.

Second tip...take ages between courses, looks more realistic as it seems you are preparing the next dish.

Also don't forget drinks, remember to get some girlie drinks in the house like 'Baileys'. Lidl do a brand which looks the same as the real bottle but is only £3.99, where 'Baileys' is £8.99. The £4 saving means you have enough money to get a good classy £4 bottle of wine in for the meal at the same time.

AFTER THE MEAL
It is a 99% cert that once the meal is finished she will offer to help with the washing up. This is because she feels more relaxed and at home sharing chores and it gives her a chance to bond with you doing a task together. If she asks should she wash or dry, always let her wash the dishes and you dry them. This is due to the following:-

Washing plates is always harder then drying

If she does opt for that chocolate pudding, the bowl is a devil to wash afterwards, so best let her do it or it will never get done.

More importantly if you washed and she dried she will keep asking questions like 'Where does the spoons go?' which means you have to memorise the exact cupboards you used to get the items in the first place. Get it wrong and again, she will suss you never go into the kitchen ever. Also by you drying, you can simply leave everything on the drainer after you have given them a quick wipe.

YOUR FRIDGE
Anything that is out of date, either eat or throw away before she arrives. Spend a couple of quid filling it with lettuce and cucumber. You can also put those aubergines back in the fridge just before you serve the starters, remember continuity. She won't expect them to be still on the side as she thinks she is eating them. Also it looks like you have more aubergine then before, and that looks good. Remember also to buy a pint of milk.

Chances are she won't go near the fridge, but best be safe just in case.

CANDLES MAKE GIRLIES FEEL AT HOME
Don't ask why they like candles just buy some and dot them around the house. What looks good if you live in a house is having two rows of candles going up the stairs on either side of the step. You can get a 100 for £2.99 in Woolworths. Remember to put some on the dining table and in the bathroom. (don't forget a lighter).

Also to make her feel more at home, in the bathroom get some of those round scented 'bath bombs' from 'The Body Shop' (lots of these shops on the high street and often are greenish in colour).

A 'bath bomb' by the way is this little round ball of stuff that when water is added to it, short of fizzes up much like the 'Space Dust' sweets you had when you were a kid. Except this time it fizzes in the bath not in your mouth until it gets really small. I seem to get though lots when women stay over. Girls seem to love playing with them in the bath, can't see the attraction there myself.

SUBJECTS TO TALK ABOUT ON THE DATE OR THE PRE-DATE CHAT UP

The secret is to let her do most of the talking on subjects that you have started but have no interest in, thus she thinks that was a nice pleasant chat. Firstly find out your star sign, don't worry about learning about the others (she will tell you the other signs traits in the conversation). Mention your star sign, mention one negative aspect of it such as 'I'm a Taurus but don't consider myself bullish' etc. She will back your statement and tell you the good aspects of your sign and then about her sign and somehow find a link to make you compatible. Tell her you are just starting to get interested in that subject and suddenly off she goes in a big attempt to explain the stars, and that's 20 minutes or so of the night covered. See how easy this is now? Every few minutes butt in with little gems like 'Ersar Major is in it's seventh moon, what does actually mean? or is that more planets and stars?' She will assume you are talking planets and stars which is a real science and not question you on it as it is way past the realms and the concept of the zodiac.

Next mention that you haven't had much chance to catch up with 'Eastenders' or 'Home and Away' over the last year so ask her what has happened. That's another half hour accounted for at least

Remember that unlike blokes, women enjoy proper meaningful chats. Men talking to men have about ten topics, women have lots, lots more. In a nightclub if you spot a girl who is slightly fatter, uglier or more tarty then the girl you are chatting with, point her out as girls love nothing more then passing time bitching about other women. Again that could add 10/15 minutes on to the conversation. So lets total up, that's over a hour so far and you only mentioned three things and the odd nod etc.

If she starts asking about you, just mention you like travel and this year plan to try a cruise for the first time. All women like the idea of going on a cruise. Even if you have only been to Spain, just think of a day trip you went on while there to a remote village and simply transport that image to a area in Central America and tell her about your gap year travels to El Savidor using that village as your mind reference.

Even if you have not been, as far as you are concerned, Paris is the most romantic city in the world, followed by Brugge and Prague. then bring the conversation back to her asking about her travels.

GOING SHOPPING TOGETHER FOR THE FIRST TIME

There are a few ground rules you have to follow as a bloke to turn this to your advantage and again make you look good in her eyes. Twenty minutes of effort at the start of the shop, will lead to a lifetime of not having to stand outside women's changing rooms. Here is what you do. Mention that you noticed a sale on at places like 'Next', 'River Island' etc. and would she like to come shopping as you have to get something from 'WH Smith's' Course she would, the mention of 'Next' and 'sale' is enough.

As soon as you reach 'Next' you lead her by the hand and go straight to the first rail and take out a top etc. and put it up on her and say something like 'Saw this earlier, not so sure if it's right now I seen it up close, material is a bit iffy'. Of course it's not right as no one women picks up the first thing and buys it. She will agree with you but at the same time be so impressed that she thinks you are on her wavelength.

Then let her lead for a sec to a area she wants to go to, watch her take a item out to look at and then say, 'Well what do you think?'. She suddenly accepts that you are not like other men and she gets a buzz that you enjoy going shopping with her.

If she likes the items remind her that there are other shops and she can always come back later in case she finds something nicer. Remember that was actually her general plan anyway, it always is. Also ask her what shoes would go with that.

Now it's time to go for the kill which excuses you for shopping for life. Start leading the looking and pulling stuff out which you think may suit her. After about five minutes she will get sick of your effort to help and remind you that you had to go to 'WH Smiths'. Then you arrange a place to meet her, she usually says make it a few hours and you are away. She thinks no less of you, in fact she finds your efforts endearing. Two hours that's a McDonald's and a pub. Job done.

THE HALL OF FAME

Above is the just some of the Teo of Harry, below are a few recent and not so recent partners. They were all given the same list, and when we put it all together a pattern starts of materialise. For the record my list includes, Les Mis, Brugge, the flight, salmon at the house (actually quiet a nice meal), the boat trip, Tarrazza Est (again not that bad), The Blues Bar (I still go there now), Weatherspoons, that burger on the heath and more free entries to Jongleurs comedy clubs all over the UK then I can remember.

Talking to everyone in fact, the places where always special for them and they always assumed they were going somewhere or doing something for the first time. All of us had a laugh it seems and one day somebody is going to make Harry the perfect partner (if they like visiting towns around the country each week or 'Les Mis'). Harry allowed me to put all this on the website word for word, and to be honest I think the next person he takes out, he will still use rhe same venues. All of us on realising find it very funny.

LYANNE - Flight around Isle of White( as this piccy proves) Weatherspoons, Halls of Justice, had salmon at house, had free tickets to Jongleurs

SUZANNA - Been to Les Mis, been to Blues Bar, had salmon at house, Weatherspoons, been to Brugge, Halls of Justice, done flight', Tarrazza Est, free tickets to Jongleurs.

VIOREKA - had salmon at house, free tickets for Jongleurs, been to 'Victoria and Albert museum, been on boat up Thames, flight to Isle of White, Weatherspoons

RACHEL - had salmon at house, free tickets to Jongleurs, been on boat on Thames, flight to Isle of Wight, Wong Kei's, Cambridge, Eds North London, Mongolian BBQ, Les Mis, Blues bar, Halls of Justice, Brugge

KATIE - ED's (me on the Harley in there), Les Mis, Blues Bar, salmon at Harry's, boat trip, flight to Isle of White, Victoria and Albert Museum, Wong Kei's, Weatherspoons, Cambridge and Brugge

CLAIRE - Les Mis, Brugge, flight in aircraft to the Isle of Wight, Weatherspoons, Halls od Justice, Wong Kei's, Boat trip on Thames, Burger on the heath, Salmon at house, Eds, Victoria and Albert Museum, Cambridge